6 Things You Should Never Do if You Want Your Ex Back

Keeping your dignity intact.

Breaking up is hard.

And sometimes, relationships should end. When my marriage was on the verge of divorce, I wanted to fight for us. But with time, I realized I was better off without him — especially after I found out he’d been cheating.

I knew myself well enough to know I couldn’t work with that. Sometimes it’s better to cut our losses and move on.

But every situation is unique, and only you know the right choice for you.

If you’ve broken up and feel like they’re worth fighting for, there are certain things you should never do if you want your ex back.

Love isn’t a straightforward path

Relationships are always being tested — especially in the beginning. We all want to know how much we matter to the other person.

One of my favorite authors, Dr. James Dobson, says:

Keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.

How we respond to our breakup matters.

Six things you should never do after a breakup

1. Tell them how much you miss them

Profess your undying love — just in case they’ve forgotten. When we tell them how much we need them, it’s perceived as desperation — not the most desirable trait.

Instead, allow them the opportunity to miss you.

2. Lay all your cards out on the table

Honesty is the best policy, but being an open book, not so much. If you tell them life feels unbearable without them, you’ve taken out the mystery. Yes, they know you, but everyone loves a little intrigue.

Instead, leave them some room to wonder.

3. Beg them to come back

Begging them to return will probably do the opposite of what you’re hoping.

It flatters them, but it looks desperate on us. Nobody gets back together with an ex out of pity. And even if we did, there’d be a major imbalance in the relationship.

Instead, give them the time and space to make their own realizations.

4. Focus on them instead of taking care of yourself

Focusing all your time and attention on them takes away from your growth and healing.

Instead, do this:

• Focus on self-care (sleep, nutrition, water, exercise, stress management)

• Spend time with friends and loved ones

• Challenge yourself and set goals

• Get outside every day — even if you don’t feel like it

• Create a new blueprint for your life

5. Stalk their social media

We tend to post a lot about the good stuff. Nights out, fun experiences, and smiling faces.

Social media doesn’t tell the complete story. And your ex likely won't post that they stayed home missing you last night. But honestly, it doesn’t matter what they’re doing or not doing because your focus should be on you right now.

Instead, challenge yourself to a social media break. Take the time to connect with friends or set a challenge for yourself. Find positive distractions and become the best version of yourself.

6. Sleep with them

Dr. Phil has said it a thousand times. People treat us how we teach them to treat us.

We all have our own level of comfort with this subject.

I’m not sure if the famous adage applies: Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free? But I know we don’t value things we don’t have to work for.

Instead, consider the bigger picture. Will this make them value you more? What is your end goal?

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Should you get back together?

Breaking up isn’t easy.

It feels like the pain may never stop. But it does eventually, especially when we do the work to move forward.

Only you can decide if your relationship is worth trying to save.

Consider if you miss the idea of being in a relationship, or if you genuinely want them back.

Ask yourself:

• Did you feel seen and heard?

• Did they treat you how you deserved to be treated?

• Did you give more than they gave?

• Did you feel loved and accepted as yourself?

They’re important questions. Take the time to evaluate your relationship. Feelings are temporary; facts are hard to argue.

Key Takeaways

Six things you should never do if you want your ex back

• Tell them how much you miss them

• Lay all your cards out on the table

• Beg them to come back

• Focus on them instead of taking care of yourself

• Stalk their social media

• Sleep with them

Sometimes, relationships are better left in the past. Especially if it wasn’t meeting our needs.

But if you feel like they met your needs, give them space and distance.

Time apart offers the opportunity for realizations and answers.

“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great.” ― Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

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