Are You Better off Without Him or Her? Cheating: The Red Flags I Missed When My Husband Had an Affair

The signs are typically there if you want to know.

Should I stay or should I go?

It’s a question that requires careful consideration. We all have our own standards of what we’ll tolerate, especially when it comes to cheating.

Knowing whether you’re better off without them is a personal decision. But the red flags are typically there when we‘re willing to look.

Though sometimes, confronting the truth hurts.

I loved my husband and our family life. I thought we’d finally made it. We’d just moved into a beautiful home, and all the hard work we’d invested in our business was finally paying off.

Our youngest of nine was five — no more diapers and sleepless nights.

I couldn’t wait to begin our next chapter.

But then, my husband gradually became more distant and cold for reasons unknown to me. When I asked him what was wrong, he dismissed it by saying he had a lot on his mind.

It was clear my once devoted family man didn’t enjoy being around us anymore.

His behavior changed. He worked late each night and found reasons to leave whenever he could. He pulled back emotionally and physically.

My suspicions grew.

Was there somebody else? I searched high and low and sifted through everything with a fine tooth comb. But I couldn’t find any proof.

Something had shifted — I knew we were in trouble.

I began to question when the dynamics of our relationship had changed. The respect, devotion, and love he once portrayed were no longer there.

In hindsight, my heart wasn’t ready to recognize what my mind knew. The red flags were there, but I found reasons to explain them away. Until one day, he brought up divorce.

After twenty years of marriage and nine children, my world turned upside down.

We stayed in limbo for a long dark year. I struggled with knowing if I should fight for us or let go. He looked me in my eyes and swore there was nobody else. In the end, things went from bad to worse, and I decided to file for divorce.

He moved out and was still adamant there was nobody else.

Soon after, proof of his affair fell into my hands without any effort on my part. It validated my decision — for me, it was over. If I couldn’t trust my husband, there was nothing left for me in our marriage.

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, it’s likely for a reason.

The question you’ll need to ask yourself is whether you want to know or not. There’s no right or wrong answer. It comes down to what is best for you and your situation.

Here are the red flags I missed.

1. Their interests change — and you’re not included.

I remember late one evening, our kids and I were playing Uno at the kitchen table. My husband was just coming home and walked in, blaring “Ahora Me Llama” by Bad Bunny and Karol G from the speaker on his cellphone.

This was new.

He liked music from the olden days — decent music, as he called it.

He didn’t lower the volume. Instead, he plopped down on the couch as if we weren’t there. Then, he sprawled out, scrolling his phone, bobbing his head to the rhythm.

The transformation was subtle at first, but his priorities changed. His taste in music, upgrading to designer clothes, learning Portuguese, and the red sports car.

We all change throughout life. But when their character changes out of nowhere, it might be a sign to pay attention.

Ask yourself this: Is there a reasonable explanation for their sudden change?

2. They crave more privacy

My husband was an open book for the majority of our marriage.

His email, computer, and phone were never hidden or password protected. The first time he put a password on his phone, I thought he was joking. But he never shared it again.

Whenever I questioned him, he told me I was acting jealous and insecure.

He said I should trust him. He told me I don’t own him — being married doesn’t mean we need to share everything.

If they suddenly change passwords or anything else you once shared, it might signal something is off.

After the password, his phone never left his sight. The kids and I were no longer welcome to use it.

Everyone has different standards within their relationship. Some couples prefer privacy, while others share everything. There’s no right or wrong — just your normal.

Ask yourself this: Are they more guarded and secretive than they were in the past?

3. They start caring more about their appearance

“I don’t know, but for me, I’m the best-looking man in the world,” My husband stated as he looked at his face in the mirror from different angles.

Working out began replacing family time. He started wearing his hair in a young man’s style. Shopped the latest twenty-something trends.

When I questioned what was going on, he said to quit acting so insecure — he was finally putting himself first.

We all have our own standards, and caring about our appearance is a form of self-care.

But when character changes suddenly happen and they care more and more about their appearance — without any explanation, it may be a red flag.

Ask yourself this: Does the ‘new and improved’ lifestyle involve you too? Are the changes enhancing your life as a couple, or is it just about them?

4. Your intuition is kicking in, and something feels off

I remember gathering clothes for a load of laundry. When I grabbed my husband’s jeans, quarters spilled out, spinning across the hardwood floor.

I picked them all up and put them in a glass jar. I recall thinking how odd; he rarely carries change.

And why quarters — he doesn’t gamble. Maybe the laundromat? Arcade? But he didn’t play video games.

Trust your gut. If you feel something’s wrong, it’s time to pay attention.

It kept happening.

I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

When I finally asked him, he brushed me off, saying, “It’s change from the gas station. Why are you snooping in my stuff? I’ll do my own laundry from now on — don’t bother.”

By that point, I’d already filled the glass jar with more than a hundred dollars worth of quarters.

Something was off.

I had no proof or explanation. Yet, deep down, I knew we were in trouble. I felt us falling apart. But I tucked that worry away for another day.

Ask yourself this: Rather than what they’re saying, what are they showing you?

5. Choosing Work/Friends Over You

Summer holidays always meant camping for us.

We’d stay locally or travel to different states, tenting or RVing as a family. But then, time spent together became a burden — he no longer liked the idea of being a family man.

Holidays stopped meaning anything to him. He chose to work instead.

We shouldn’t ever have to force or guilt someone to be with us. We choose how to spend our time — and we always make time for what we value.

Everyone gets busy. But when everything else becomes more of a priority than you, it’s a sign something may be off.

Ask yourself this: Has time out with friends, late nights, or being too busy become their new theme?

Trust In Yourself

I gave my former spouse the benefit of the doubt.

I was hoping he’d be the exception to the red flags. It’s not that I’m a fool — I consciously chose to trust him.

I remember my husband and I were lying in bed late one night. He was doing his daily Portuguese lesson when he paused and stared hard at my mouth.

His sudden attention came from nowhere.

This was during our indecisive year of limbo — we were together, but not. I could’ve walked by him in nothing but stilettos, and he wouldn’t have given me a second look.

Had I listened and trusted my instincts, I’d have saved myself a lot of unnecessary time and pain.

“Do you wax your lip?” he asked.

“Umm, no. Why?” Twenty-two years together, and not once had he ever asked me about waxing.

“You don’t have any hair there? Really? Are you sure?”

He inched in to get a closer look but found nothing. With a puzzled look, he grunted and went back to his lesson.

I went to sleep with an uneasy feeling but pushed it away.

Are you better off without him or her?

Once I found out about his affair, I found a sense of closure — it was over in my heart.

I eventually learned his lover was here on a visa from Brazil. And apparently loved the casino a few miles from our home.

The pocketful of quarters now made sense.

And I’m going to go out on a limb and say she got her lip waxed at one of the many luxury spa sessions he treated her to with our money.

Hindsight offers much wisdom and clarity. For me, letting go was the best choice I ever made.

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, the red flags are typically there when we’re willing to look.

But sometimes, recognizing and confronting the truth is difficult.

So first, decide if you want to know. There’s no right or wrong — only you know what’s best for you.

We all have our own standards and tolerance level when it comes to cheating.

Whether you’re better off without him or her is a personal decision. There isn’t a one size fits all type of blanket answer.

It’s worth careful consideration, though.

Going around in circles of uncertainty wears a person down. We either need to move on or make peace with our decision, as closure allows us to move forward.

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