Ending a Marriage Is Hard, but Sometimes It’s Exactly What’s Needed

The moment we realize we’re better off without them.

“No man will ever want more than one night with you; you’ve got too many kids. Use your logic — don’t be stupid and start dating anyone.”

Words are powerful — they go deep. I’d heard several versions of this prophecy since I started the divorce process. But everything changed the moment I realized I was better off without him.

His words no longer had any power over me.

Being married to someone for 22 years and having nine children offers a somewhat false sense of security.

I thought we were in it for life — I never thought I’d end my marriage.

I’d been willing to work through the mid-life crisis. I’d held on throughout all our difficulties. But then, I became aware of excessive spending sprees on other women and their affairs.

It was my point of saying enough.

What About The Future?

It’s hard to see in the day-to-day just how much you’ve tolerated over the years. How much you’ve been worn down. And how much it hurts.

At first, there were days I didn’t even know if I’d make it.

I couldn’t imagine what life might be like as a single mom of nine children. How would I do it? What about money? I’d stayed home raising babies for so many years.

And was I really destined to be alone the rest of my life? His predictions kept replaying in my mind.

There were so many unknowns with no easy answers. It felt overwhelming.

Yet, I also saw the potential to rewrite my story. I knew there was a silver lining somewhere within the pain.

But first, I needed to figure out what to hold onto and what to let go of.

Considerations

I had a strong hunch I was better off without him. I knew somewhere deep down, even if I didn’t feel it yet.

Before I was married, I loved seeing live bands, art fairs, and pretty much any gathering or celebration that sounded fun. I loved being around people.

He didn’t.

And in my marriage, going out without the kids was looked down on. I was a mother and wife, and apparently, mothers and respectable wives aren’t supposed to have a life outside of the family.

Pulling away from my likes was slow and gradual. I couldn’t even say when it happened. I loved married life, and it was busy — time passed so fast.

Anything for the sake of making peace and having a happy family. And, of course, I upheld the guilt of having alone time.

What I couldn’t see then was every time I gave up something to make him happy, I was also giving up a piece of myself.

Hindsight offers such profound realizations.

Straddling Indecisiveness

In the beginning, the hardest part was not knowing whether I should fight for us or give up.

Sometimes the unknown is scarier than the familiar, even when we’re hurting. And there are many considerations. The stigma. Kids, family, friends, finances — our entire life as we knew it.

I once believed it was always better to try to make it work. There were many reasons to fight for our marriage.

Except it’s not always realistic.

What about abuse, addictions, or affairs? After all, Dr. Laura was an influencer in shaping the right and wrongs of my life when I was younger. And she adamantly stood by those three justifications for divorce.

Though I haven’t listened to her in years, it still makes sense to me. Even with the best intentions, sometimes it’s no longer good for us.

We all have our own threshold of what we’ll tolerate — it’s a personal decision that deserves no judgment.

I knew I’d reached my tolerance level.

For me, there was no going back.

Moving Forward

Once I made my decision, it was much easier to find my path forward.

I soon realized — with clarity, that facing the unknown was still better than what we’d had. On one hand, going through a divorce was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. But on the other, it was unquestionably for the best.

Even when facing an uncertain future, there’s still hope.

So I started pushing toward creating the life I wanted for myself. I decided what my priorities were and what needed focus. Family is and always will be at the top of my list.

It just looks different now.

Life somehow seems to make a way once we make decisions that are congruent with our values and intended path.

Figuring out my single life is still a work in progress, though I can honestly say I’m happy — the heaviness is gone. Of course, there’s still uncertainty, but I have a sense of where I’m going. But most importantly, what I want.

Having a clear plan of what we want for our life takes time. But it’s important to get very clear about our intentions and desires.

When recreating our life, it’s easier when we have a plan.

Outlining our next steps takes time, but it’s time well invested. Creating a design for our life takes the decision out of the day-to-day. We know what we’re working towards, which helps keep us focused on moving forward.

Knowing that plan doesn’t happen overnight, there are many ups and downs along the way. It takes time and faith.

And a belief that all is going where it’s meant to be.

It Just Happens

A while back, I was meeting a few friends. On my way there, I couldn’t stop smiling.

And that’s when it hit me. I love my new life.

I have a beautiful family and life — even with all the unknowns. I could be a good mother while still doing things I enjoyed. Who knew they could go hand in hand?

And I’m still respectable — according to my standards, not his.

At that moment, I realized how much better I was without him. And it wasn’t me just soothing myself with words. It was the cold, undeniable truth.

My life no longer revolved around what he wanted, thought, or said. His thoughts about me no longer held meaning.

I’ve come back to relying on my inner voice.

Sometimes letting go is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. We find out who we really are and just how much strength we have. And that strength spreads into all areas of our life.

It’s a beautiful transformation.

The Future

I freely gave away my power and trust to someone who didn’t honor it. It’s a lesson well-learned.

But not in a bitter way.

I now understand I’ve always had the strength inside me, and I’ll never lose sight of it again. It’s not about blame or anger. It’s about moving on and embracing possibilities.

The dynamics of my marriage wouldn’t allow for two people to shine. And that’s not okay because we all deserve to be the best versions of ourselves.

And as for no man ever wanting more than a night with me — those words no longer have any meaning. I see it for what it was.

His words once had the power to hurt me, but his opinion of me is no longer my concern or business.

I’m not the same person I was before ending my marriage. Growth changes us in so many ways.

Progress is a beautiful thing.

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