Should You Ask Your Husband’s Mistress To Stop Their Affair?

Proof of my husband’s affair came from a picture.

At first, I grasped for explanations, but there was no denying it. His mistress posed for him, wearing little more than a coy smile. It felt taunting — as though the smirk was meant for me.

I never suspected he’d throw away our 22-year marriage. I’d held on throughout our better and worse — I never gave up. I struggled to grasp his deception.

And I somehow still believed in us.

Cherishing my marriage and our nine children was a priority on my list. Family was and is everything to me.

Our marriage was far from perfect. In fact, there were valid reasons to leave. I was wavering somewhere between holding on and letting go long before I found out about the affair. I’ve never been a quitter though — and we’d already invested so much.

Who knows, I might’ve held on, believing he’d right his wrongs.

But not after this betrayal. I’d warned him not to play with fire. It wasn't something I’d ever tolerate. Endless questions without answers filled my mind over the following months. It was a whirlwind — and some of the longest nights of my life.

The urge to confront the other woman

A few well-meaning people suggested I confront his mistress. After all, she might walk away if she knew nine children were involved.

I understand this tendency and why some might want that conversation. But I knew deep down I never would. I needed to center my focus on moving forward, not on looking back.

Once he crossed the line of infidelity, my part in our marriage was done — ready or not.

Don’t get me wrong. My heart yearned for the long-ago version of us. But the person he’d become was no longer good for my well-being.

With that in mind, talking to his mistress was not congruent with my desired outcome. I needed to move forward, putting us in the past.

Sometimes quitting is for the best.

But whether you ask his mistress to stop their affair deserves consideration.

Necessary questions to ask yourself

1. Could you ever trust him again? Relationships are built on respect and trust. He lost that the moment he stepped out. Regardless of any attempted justifications, it’s always a choice. It’s challenging to maintain any relationship when deception is at the center — especially with your spouse.
2. Would asking her to stop the affair change his behavior? Maybe, but I think not. Crossing the line is much easier the second time — the internal battle is not as strong. We all make mistakes, but genuine remorse prompts us to own up to them. And then we do everything in our power to change the behavior — all on our own.
3. Is it her fault? I understand the temptation to place the blame on her. But she isn’t the one who gave you her word. She never made any promises to you. And if it weren’t her, it likely would’ve been someone else.
4. Don’t you deserve more? Without question, yes. It’s common to absorb the blame and wonder what we did wrong. But that’s often by their design — it releases them from accountability. He could’ve asked for a divorce before having an affair. We all deserve that consideration and respect.

Would asking her to stop even work?

There’s always the case of pleading to the other woman’s better sense. After all, if she knew what she was destroying, it might make her think twice.

But remember, we tend to attract people at our level. With that in mind, she’s with someone that lies with ease.

Character, integrity, and morals probably aren’t too high on the priority list. Though, having said that, she may not be aware of you. He might be lying to her too.

It’s a possibility. After all, lies are part of his facade.

They didn't cheat because of who you are. They chose to cheat because of who they are not.— Charles J. Orlando

What’s your real intention?

Pause for a moment and ask yourself, what’s your intention in talking to her?

What’s your desired end result?

Say you ask her to stop — and she agrees. The root of the problem is still there. His vow to you is broken, whether she ends it or not. You’re still left with someone that lost your trust.

I say, if they end up together, it’s okay. Let them be. What they do isn’t your concern.

That’s part of moving on.

You’re on the winning side. You’re now aware of his character and capability. Foundations built from deception are weak — you need solid ground.

Focusing on what’s in your control

I propose an alternative. Focusing on your growth seems like a more productive and viable solution.

What matters now is picking up the pieces and moving forward in your life. By holding onto him, you’re stuck in a painful cycle. One that is preventing and prolonging your healing.

He didn’t value you as his wife. Everyone deserves better than that.

No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want. — Unknown

By keeping focused on what’s in your control, you can start rebuilding your life.

Forgiveness as a tool for moving forward

We all make mistakes. And I’m a big believer in forgiveness. In fact, forgiving my ex was one of the best things I did—for myself.

It released me from bitterness and resentment. Feelings that have the capability to stop us in our tracks.

Anger and resentment holds us back in ways we can’t measure.

Forgiving my husband was never about him. I needed to find peace in my day-to-day. I needed to move on and feel okay.

Protecting yourself from further pain

No matter how much your husband means to you, it’s crucial to protect yourself. Regardless of his words, what matters is what he shows you. His actions are a better representation of his character.

It’s counterproductive to healing to make excuses or justifications.

He chose deception, which means he put himself first. And that’s not honoring you, your marriage, or the family.

It’s never okay for someone to treat you this way.

What about the kids? Leading by example

Have you asked yourself why you’d like to save your marriage? How far are you willing to let him go before calling it quits?

I never wanted a divorce. After all, 22 years and nine children make a pretty great case in favor of staying together.

But once I found out about the affair, it was no longer about what I wanted.

It puts things in a bit more perspective.

Children learn by example.

If this happened to one of them, I wouldn’t want them to tolerate this treatment. And I can tell them what they shouldn’t do, but it won’t make much difference.

Kids learn by watching our actions.

The way they see me handle the situation will have the most impact — whether I want it that way or not.

Staying together after an affair: Is it possible?

Some couples can make their marriages work after an affair. In fact, many stay together for the children. We all have our own beliefs. I make no judgment.

And it might be possible with remorse and changes in his behavior. More so, if you’re willing — and able to let it go. Truly forgiving him.

However.

That remorse and change can only come from him. From his initiation. To acknowledge his mistakes and do whatever it takes to make your marriage okay.

And here’s the big one — the mistress is out of the picture without you ever having to ask.

It’s never your job to ask her to leave. If he loves and respects you, he’ll end the affair without any prompting from you.

Immediately.

The takeaway: Reclaiming your power

The unfairness of an affair is brutal. But it’s what’s there. And we always need to make the best of our situation.

That’s how we move forward.

Whether or not you choose to stay in the marriage is a personal choice. I know my reasons and why I let go.

We all have our own path to follow — only you know what’s right.

Though, my answer to asking your husband’s mistress to end the affair — absolutely not.

That’s not your job. And it begs the consideration, would someone who loves, values, and respects you ever make you ask that question?

Love is an action, not a word.