Thinking of Ending Your Marriage? Before You Do Anything — Some Important Questions to Ask Yourself

Figuring out whether you should stay or go by a process of elimination and taking an honest look at your marriage.

Do you have that deep-down gut feeling something is wrong with your marriage?

Have you ever thought life might be better without your spouse? Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether to stay or go — especially if it’s not always that bad.

Most of us like a sense of certainty in our lives. And when we’re considering leaving, the unknowns are terrifying. Even if you’re thinking of ending your marriage, sometimes doing nothing is easier.

Putting our marriage under a microscope isn’t easy— but uncertainty is an even harder place to stay.

But before you do anything, there are some important questions to ask yourself.

Marriage is never perfect — but it takes open communication, respect, and effort on both sides to make it work.

When I was struggling with the choice of fighting for my marriage or letting go, I felt stuck. For every con I wrote on my divided list, I could counterbalance with a pro.

Did I have legitimate reasons to leave, or were my expectations too high?

There were reasons to stay.

Twenty-two years and nine kids —we had some strong reasons to make it work. And, of course, I loved him.

When it wasn’t bad, it was good.

There were reasons to go.

He no longer valued or respected me. I’d never felt more alone in my life. But more importantly, our marriage no longer felt healthy.

There was much uncertainty.

Why couldn’t I just push through it and ignore my feelings? My happiness wasn’t worth more than the price the kids would pay. Could I try harder? And how would I take care of myself financially?

Was I simply too needy, as he liked to say?

Had I known then what I know now, my decision would’ve been simple. But answers aren’t always forthcoming when we’re deep in it.

Each situation is different, and only you can determine what’s best for you.

But there are definite guidelines to help you decide.

These guidelines helped me find answers.

When I’m stuck, I tend to read a lot. It helps to understand others’ perspectives. Someone without a bias or vested interest — just the facts.

There’s much to learn from people that have already walked down the path.

It’s almost like a cheat sheet.

I read from those who stayed and left — I wanted to understand their reasoning. To see what worked and what didn’t. To know if I was asking myself the right questions.

Reading brought about much awareness and even more self-reflection.

Over time, I realized I had stayed far too long in my marriage.

I no longer felt confident. I was incapable of making him happy, no matter how hard I tried.

I was trying to keep our family together — and I’d become an expert at rationalizing his words and actions. Little by little, it had become my norm. Nobody knew what was going on, but that’s how it works.

Does anyone ever really know what’s happening behind closed doors?

Had this been happening to someone I knew, I would’ve called it out. But it’s not always obvious when we’re so deeply entwined. It took brutal honesty and coming to terms with the truth to find my answers.

Doing the inner work is essential.

If you’re thinking of ending your marriage, you’re facing a tough decision. Do you fight for it, or call it quits?

The following questions are a starting point — a place to begin asking some important questions.

Should your happiness determine whether you stay or go?

It depends.

All relationships have ups and downs. Life without our spouse might feel easier when marriage is hard. But it’s important to remember happiness isn’t a permanent state. Our spouse isn’t there to make us happy all the time — our happiness comes from within.

But there should be a sense of contentment with them.

If you feel unhappy with them more often than not, it’s worth having an honest conversation with your spouse. I’m a big believer in trying all options.

But it takes two people to make a marriage work. And if your happiness isn’t their concern, that’s a reason for your concern.

Home should be our place of peace, and when it’s not, life is hard on all levels. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship — there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer.

Sometimes it’s easier if we work through a process of elimination.

Guidelines worth your consideration:

1. Your relationship brings more pain than pleasure

2. You have different beliefs or values

3. Your spouse isn’t putting forth any effort

4. The respect or trust is gone

5. Your spouse doesn’t value you

6. You’re the only one sacrificing

7. You’re constantly criticized

8. Are they willing to work on the marriage?

Only you know what’s best for you — but we all deserve peace and joy. To be treated with respect and feel good about ourselves. To be valued and loved.

Is there abuse, addictions, or adultery?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a huge advocate of doing whatever it takes to make your marriage work — though she states,

“I always give the disclaimer that if you’ve married someone abusive, untrustworthy, irresponsible or addicted, trying to apply my advice won’t work.”

Knowing if your marriage is worth saving isn’t always clear, but these red flags are worth consideration.

Adultery

I’m a big believer in giving the benefit of the doubt, but once I found out my husband was having an affair, it reaffirmed my decision.

Without trust, there wasn’t anything left for me.

If your spouse is/was having an affair, you’ll need to decide if you’re able to move forward and look past it. We all have different tolerance levels, and everyone’s marriage looks different.

Only you know what you’re able to live with.

Addictions

Dealing with an addicted spouse is undoubtedly tough. It’s hard to know when to stay or go, especially when you love them.

Some important questions to consider:

1. Are they willing to change?

2. Are you enabling their behavior by staying?

3. Are you putting forth all the effort?

4. Are your kids being affected?

Addiction is a tricky situation that may require help from those that have successfully navigated it. It’s worth talking with a counselor to figure out your next steps.

Abuse

Abuse shouldn’t be tolerated.

It’s a form of control meant to intimidate and manipulate, to instill fear and feelings of helplessness. There are many forms of abuse, and it’s not always easy to identify.

If you feel like this may be an issue in your marriage, know it’s not your fault, and you deserve respect and peace.

If you’re in an abusive situation, please reach out and talk with someone — they’re there to help you —and there are options.

Logic, intuition, or listen to your heart?

It’s easy to feel conflicted — there are many competing thoughts when our marriage is in trouble.

So how do we differentiate and decide which one to listen to?

On one hand, we still love them and may have a strong desire to make it work. On the other, we have this deep-down gut feeling something is wrong.

If we could detach our feelings, we could easily see the logical side of staying or going. Logic is easy in hindsight, but not always when our emotions are at an all-time high.

Our intuition guides us on a powerful level; it’s those whispers that reveal what we need to hear.

In Gavin De Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, he states,

“Intuition is always right in at least two important ways; it is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart”

When I have a gut feeling something is wrong, I tend to listen.

It’s important to differentiate, recognize, and consider the feedback from all three — your heart, intuition, and facts.

I highly recommend writing everything down; it’s hard to dispute or ignore what’s in front of us.

Do an honest analysis of your marriage

1. Write down all the facts — good and bad, about your marriage.

2. Are there clear reasons to leave? To stay?

3. What do you want?

4. What’s within your control?

5. What options do you have?

6. Pros and cons of your options. Which is the best one?

7. If this were a friend or your daughter, what would you advise them?

8. Make your decision, and don’t look back. It’s not going to look perfect, but your answers will unfold with time.

9. Make an action plan to create the needed changes.

Whether you stay or go, it’s important to focus on moving forward.

Finding your answers

It takes courage to put our marriage under the microscope — but if you’re thinking of ending your marriage, these are important questions to ask yourself.

It’s sometimes difficult to know whether to stay or go, but by doing a process of elimination and taking an honest look at your marriage, answers are often revealed. And sometimes, we find we had the answers all along.

Staying stuck in uncertainty doesn’t help our marriage or life.

Marriage is never perfect — it takes respect and effort on both sides to make it work. But if you have that deep-down gut feeling something is wrong with your marriage, it’s worth doing the inner work to find your answers.

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