22 Years of Marriage, 9 Kids Later: How His Affair Transformed My Life

Three unexpected gifts that came from our divorce.

After 22 years and nine children, my husband decided he didn’t want to be stuck or grow old.

I spent the entire last year of our marriage living in denial and suffocating darkness. I clung to us, even though I felt something was very wrong. I just wanted us to be okay. I was afraid to let go — the unknown was even more frightening than the unhappiness I knew.

It wasn’t until much later that I uncovered his lies and deceit. The once highly moral man I held so dear no longer honored our right and wrong. He became unrecognizable, chasing fleeting moments of youth, notches in his belt, and the validation he so desperately sought.

I imagine our marriage actually ended sometime before his heart-breaking affairs. But facing our worst fears is never easy. It’s a process that takes time and, perhaps more importantly, the willingness to see.

When I finally filed for divorce, I was broken on every level. I never thought my shattered heart would feel whole again. However, the healing journey began once I began to fully understand the sacrifices I made during my marriage.

Sacrifices

In my marriage, I gave up all of me to make us work — my opinions, beliefs, and sometimes even my values. If they jeopardized our family, it was easier to tuck them away.

Slowly and unknowingly, I became the person he thought I should be.

I had placed all my hopes, dreams, and trust — my heart and soul — into him. And if that one person fails us, we’re left with a hollow version of who we once were.

Shellshocked.

Time has a way of healing, but perhaps the hindsight that comes is even more valuable.

Divorce is a road filled with hard-learned lessons and takeaways. When you’re in the middle of it, it's hard to envision the other side. To understand you’ll feel whole again. Or how you’ll have genuine laughter again. That the pain becomes a memory, it no longer rules your moments or days. That you’ll actually wish good things for them.

I couldn’t imagine it then, but when we’re intentional with healing, we somehow begin to thrive.

Three Unexpected Gifts of Divorce

1. Reclaiming My Power and Making My Own Decisions

Perhaps being a first-born child influenced my tendency to be strong-willed and independent. Maybe marrying an alpha male from a patriarchal culture was the beginning of our end.

I like to do things my way and always have. But more than anything, I wanted my kids to have a stable home where they always felt loved. So, at some point, it just became easier to let go of my natural desire to take control.

I let go of myself so our marriage — our family — could thrive.

The Cost Of Compromise

I thought the end goal was a unified family, so I made necessary compromises. What I didn’t know then was not staying true to myself made me weaker in the end. My children didn’t know the real me. The strong, independent woman who was willing to face her fears.

What they saw was a woman who backed down and let the “captain of our ship” make the decisions. Which, of course, led me to feel like I wasn’t capable of making my own decisions. That he knew best — my opinion was simply input.

Ignoring my true self led to an inner struggle — I couldn’t come to terms with who I really was anymore. There was a very real sense of loss and feelings of powerlessness.

But if keeping our family together was the cost, I thought it was a price worth paying.

Reclaiming My Power

When it was clear our divorce was inevitable, I was lost.

My confidence was at an all-time low, and I felt incapable of making a correct decision. And when your soon-to-be ex is constantly telling you how weak you are, it only reinforces it.

Having someone you once trusted demean you at every level is hard. My inner strength was a quality he greatly admired in the beginning. Yet one I allowed to be stripped away little by little.

But, with time and distance between us, I started believing in myself again. At first, I was scared to make any decisions. But every decision — even the imperfect ones, began restoring my self-trust.

I found the same courage and tenacity were still within me. I was not only making choices that resonated with my true self but also setting an empowering example for my kids — showing them I could stand my ground and make decisions that honored my integrity.

It wasn’t a linear process, but I reconnected with the natural leader within me. My inner compass is firmly in my hands.

Action steps:

1. Start Small: You don’t have to make huge decisions right away. Begin with smaller ones, like deciding to take a new class or setting a daily routine. Each small step builds confidence over time.

2. Consult Your Inner Circle: Talk through your choices with trusted friends or family. Their insights can provide valuable perspectives and support.

3. Reflect: Take some time each day to check in with yourself. Are the choices you’re making in alignment with who you truly are? Journaling can be a helpful tool for reflection.

Books I read:

• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey: This book helped me understand the importance of proactive decision-making.

• Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins: This book helped me understand our choices, not our circumstances, define us.

The best advice I received:

“What does your gut tell you?”

I began relying on my intuition once again. Initially, I was hesitant, but as I started to trust my gut feelings, I found they led me in the right direction. It’s like reacquainting with an old friend who always has your back.

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” — Theodore Roosevelt

2. Creating My Own Story

Nearly 20 years ago, I dreamed of starting a food and wellness blog. As a busy mom and homeschooler, I envisioned it as a family business that could provide invaluable lessons for my kids. And as someone whose life revolved around cooking and wellness, it seemed like a perfect fit, right?

I was ready to go all in. But my husband didn’t think it was worth my time. He told me that if I was going to do something, I should go after money — not my passion. He drilled into me that there were too many broke talented writers out there — what would make me any different?

We went round and round until I finally gave in.

When the person I trusted most insisted I wasn’t enough, I believed him. Hook, line, and sinker.

The Comeback

I’m happy to say, one of the first decisions I made after I filed for divorce was to begin writing. Publishing my first-ever article online Greener Grass or Fool’s Gold? was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It was a dream I’d played over and over in my mind, but dreaming and doing are two very different things.

The next decision I made was to begin my website, which revolves around food and wellness. The younger kids are hands-on, and it’s as fulfilling as I’d imagined.

Action steps

1. What dreams did you let go of or lose sight of in your marriage? Take a moment to reflect on the passions you once had.

2. How can you fit them back into your life? Start by setting small, achievable goals to rekindle those dreams. Even a few minutes a day can make a difference.

3. If possible, involve your children or loved ones in your new ventures. It can be an incredible bonding experience and offer additional motivation.

Books I Read

• She Means Business by Carrie Green: This book helped me reconnect with my passion and build a business around it.

• On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King: This book gave me the courage to start writing and to believe in my voice.

Best Advice I Received

“You are enough, you’ve always known that now it’s time to act on it.”

This reminded me my value is not dependent on anyone else’s validation. It was a turning point that resonated deeply, helping me realize it was time to break free from the constraints that held me back.

Recognizing our worth is the first step toward reclaiming our lives and pursuing our dreams with confidence and determination.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

3. Redefining Success

When we first got together, I thought we were aligned in our pursuit of happiness. Both of us were willing to give everything we had for the best out of life. However, I didn’t realize how truly different our values were.

My idea of a fortune has always been a loving family, happy memories, and a life well-lived. Money has never been, nor ever will be my primary motivator. I envisioned a life filled with meaningful connections, shared experiences, and a deep sense of belonging.

To me, success was defined by the warmth of family gatherings, the laughter of our children, and the simple joys of everyday life.

My ex had a different perspective. Perhaps he always has, I just didn’t realize what that meant. As an opinionated, hard-working, and fiercely independent immigrant who had been in the US since he was 16, his idea of success is deeply rooted in material wealth.

He equates fortune with money, status, and the ability to provide in the best of ways.

The Realization

Our differences in what we valued most created an underlying tension I couldn’t fully grasp. While I pursued a closer connection, he pursued money. We were on completely different pages.

This disconnect became more apparent in our later years together. The love I craved so deeply took a backseat to his never-ending pursuit of money.

Finding My Own Path

Realizing these differences was painful. We all have different motivators in life — and there’s not necessarily a right or wrong. But it’s important to know what our motivators are, and that they align to some degree.

This realization helped me understand why we struggled to see eye to eye on so many things. Perhaps more importantly, our divorce has shown me it’s okay to redefine success and happiness on my own terms — without being labeled as needy.

Action Steps

• Take time to understand what truly matters to you. What does success mean in your life? How do you define happiness?

• If you’re in a relationship, have open and honest conversations about your values and goals to ensure alignment.

• Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams, even if they don’t align with others’ expectations. Your happiness and fulfillment are worth it.

Books I Read

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: This book helped me grasp the importance of living authentically.

• The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho: A beautiful reminder that pursuing one’s legend and staying true to one’s dreams is the path to true fulfillment.

Best Advice

“Live by your values and let them guide you.”

This reminded me of how important it is to know what truly matters to me. To use them as a compass for making decisions and defining my success. Embracing my core values allowed me to break free from others’ expectations and pursue a life that feels authentic and fulfilling to me.

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” — George Eliot

Rising Stronger

With time, I’ve realized that divorce, while painful and challenging forces us to make a decision: Stay stuck or immerse ourselves in personal growth and self-discovery.

And who wants to stay stuck?

Reclaiming my power, creating my own story, and redefining success on my terms have been the most unexpected yet transformative gifts of my divorce. And this, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Even in the darkest times, we all have the capacity to rise stronger, embrace our true selves, and live the life we deserve.