Breaking the Chains: Finding Happiness After Divorce

Empowering yourself to thrive beyond divorce

Are you ready to break the confining chains of divorce?

Finding happiness after divorce isn’t always easy, but it’s definitely possible. If there were just one thing to focus on, perhaps it wouldn’t be so hard. But on top of the pain, we also have to figure out the next steps: Kids, finances, career, housing, ongoing legal issues, etc.

The uncertainty feels daunting, and it’s hard to know where to begin.

Breaking the chains of marriage and finding happiness after divorce can feel impossible. Our stability and security are ripped away, whether we’re ready or not. Taking the first step is often the hardest but also the most important.

Shattered Dreams

I’ve been there.

I thought I knew my husband, but then I found out he had lied and cheated.

The betrayal went deep.

I thought 22 Years and 9 Children Was Enough to Make Our Marriage Work — I Was Wrong

I never thought my best friend would deceive me; it made me question everything I knew. I was angry and devastated, and so sad our family was broken.

I felt like a failure.

For a time, I took on all his blame and shame. I carried the weight of our divorce — his affair. I believed him when he said it was my fault. That I should’ve done more to keep him.

But time has a way of peeling back the layers and revealing the truth.

I’d tolerated treatment I never would’ve accepted from anyone else. I justified his actions in the name of keeping our marriage intact. But in the end, I knew staying was no longer an option.

Breaking Chains

Letting go of a marriage we’ve poured our heart and soul into isn’t easy, but sometimes it’s the only way forward.

Healing, forgiveness, and finding closure are important parts of moving on. And, of course, you must give yourself the time to grieve and heal. But if you’re tired of feeling stuck, it’s time to shift your focus from the past to the present.

“If you walked away from a toxic, negative, abusive, one-sided, dead-end, low vibrational relationship or friendship — you won.”
― Lalah Delia

Of course, there will still be days when it feels like you’re slipping backward, especially at first. Breaking free is a process that takes intentional effort and time.

When you decide it’s time to break the chains, it simply means you’ve had enough and will not allow your divorce to define your future.

Choosing Happiness

Our lives are profoundly shaped by the decisions we make.

Every day, we have the power to choose:
—Honesty over deceit
—Generosity over selfishness
—Courage over fear
—Gratitude over complaining
—Forgiveness over resentment
—Love over hate
—Perseverance over giving up
—Happiness over despair

From the moment we wake up, our choices empower us to create a life filled with positivity, fulfillment, and personal growth.

We choose to focus on things that bring us happiness, sadness, and anger.

From the moment we wake up in the morning, it all comes down to our choices.

10 Easy Ways to Spark Happiness

1. Get out of bed when your alarm goes off the first time, even if you don’t feel like it (without scrolling on your phone)

2. Begin your morning with 3 reasons you’re grateful, and journal for 10 minutes. Also, list 3 things that you need/want to get done today.

3. Move your body for 10 minutes. Shower, put some clothes on that make you feel good. While getting yourself ready, listen to an inspirational podcast or video that empowers you.

4. Make yourself a morning drink and breakfast that nourishes you from the inside out.

5. If you haven’t already, create your plan for the day. Structure it around tasks that keep you occupied, challenged, and interested. Step outside your comfort zone if you’re able, or stay within the lines if that’s all you can do right now. Either way, create a plan to keep your mind focused.

6. Open your curtains, tidy up a room, get outside, and go for a walk in nature. Or go to a coffee shop and read a book. Connect with the outside world. What fulfills you?

7. Focus on possibilities rather than what was. What brings you excitement? What action will create a change for you? School, career, moving, sports, creating a new goal, connecting with old or new friends?

8. Focus on letting go and forgiveness. It’s important to grieve, but to move forward; it’s important to find forgiveness. Try not to dwell on how you were wronged. We have no control over another’s behavior, only our own.

9. If you’re going to binge-watch shows, do it toward the end of the day, once you’ve accomplished your tasks and goals or worked on a side project. Set a limit and stick with it. Make your dreams more intriguing than some characters in a series.

10. Map out a strategic plan for your next steps. What can you do today to bring you closer to achieving them?

“Getting from point A to point Z can be daunting unless you remember that you don’t have to get from A to Z. You just have to get from A to B. Breaking big dreams into small steps is the way to move forward.” ~ Sheryl Sandberg

We choose to bring happiness into our lives. We don’t have control over everything, but we get to choose what we focus on and what we allow in our minds.

Happiness is a choice we intentionally create day by day.

Especially after a divorce.

When you’re okay, it sets the stage for everything else to be okay. We’re better able to confront all the decisions and challenges that need our time and attention.

Small Choices, Big Impact

The way we start our day sets the tone for everything that follows.

This or that?

• Drinking soda or hydrating with water

• Hitting snooze or waking up the first time to your alarm

• Making the bed or leaving the bed unmade

• Going for a walk or letting your mind dwell on the negatives

Seemingly small choices like these can turn into habits, which create a theme for our day and life. Our day-to-day choices can keep us stuck, hold us back, or move us forward.

When we consistently (not perfectly) choose positive habits, we’re setting ourselves up for success. When we choose better habits for ourselves, we’re building forward momentum.

And before we know it, we become unstuck.

Building Resilience

Good habits and intentional living build our self-esteem and confidence. When we fulfill our promises to ourselves, we feel good. It brings more certainty into our world. We know we can count on ourselves.

We trust our judgment again.

With all the uncertainty in our uncertain world, it brings us peace. We realize we have control over what we allow to affect us. When we’re strategic about setting up our days, we take our power back.

Simple Strategies for the Win

So how do we take back our power?

Simple strategies. Divorce has a way of creating chaos. It feels like we’re being pulled in every direction and have no control. But there’s a way to regain a sense of stability and create happier days.

When you establish strategies to anchor your days, you see the untapped power within yourself is far greater than you imagined.

And you get to customize your plan to fit your exact needs.

Below is the grounding routine I used as my starting point and anchor among all the chaos. I purposely chose to take time for myself each morning and evening.

When we take care of ourselves, we’re able to give more.

I devoted 10 minutes to each area. At first, I didn’t feel like doing it. But that’s how new habits tend to be in the beginning. It’s completely normal to feel resistant at first. However, by consistently dedicating time and effort, you will build momentum.

Don’t expect perfection from yourself; simply do the best you can. If you miss a day, it’s okay. All is not lost; just start again. The key is to stay consistent (not perfect) as you continue to prioritize yourself.

Create a routine that gives you purpose and contributes to your health.

Self-love and purposeful growth are key to breaking free.

Morning Routine

• Read inspirational words

• Make your bed

• Move your body

• Hydrate with water

• Write out your thoughts

Evening Routine

• Tidy kitchen for 10 minutes

• Plan your next day on paper

• Read inspirational words

• Write out your blessings

Make a list that resonates with you and feels good.

Renewed Purpose

Small steps lead to great habits, which become a stellar routine.

Morning and evening routines (even loose ones) help us recenter our life and create positive purpose in our days. They give us an aim and set us up for success first thing each morning and evening.

We can’t help but move forward.

Instead of our thoughts running wild in the quiet hours, we feel a sense of fulfillment. We’ve kept our promise to ourselves, which builds inner strength and confidence. We realize we’re capable and see that it’s possible to feel happiness again.

You’re creating a renewed purpose and life.

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Finding Your Footing

Once you have some self-care and self-love momentum, it’s easier to tackle the bigger challenges and decisions ahead of you.

It’s important to build a support system: friends, family, a group, and/or a therapist. Feeling connected is such a significant part of healing.

Challenges/Goals

List the challenges/goals you have for yourself so they’re on paper rather than on replay in your mind.

What do you want/need to work on?

• Finances

• Housing

• Career

• Co-parenting

• Social Connections

• Inner peace/healing/forgiveness

• Rediscovering you

One of the first issues I needed to address was finances. Everything changes after divorce. Knowing the bottom line is the first step, even if feels overwhelming.

List your areas that need addressing and consider possible solutions. Know that you don’t have to have all the answers right now. Time will offer more clarity.

The bigger point of this is to get it on paper, so you can begin working on it, and it’s not just one more thing you need to think about. Action creates change.

Set aside a time each week to look over your list and work on it. Some areas will be easier than others. But have patience and keep a focused mindset. Rituals in our weeks are powerful.

Here’s an example of what I wrote down for finances.

Finances

1. List all assets and debts

2. Create a budget

3. Housing: staying, moving, downsizing, relocating

4. Career: Get a job, increase income, change careers, certifications, degree, side hustle.

5. Build an emergency fund: 6 months of expenses

6. Pay off debts

7. Invest for the future

I didn’t have too many answers at first, but it gave me a sense of what I needed to work on. I dedicated time to work on finding possible solutions and answers each week. And that was the only time I allowed myself to go down that rabbit hole.

It’s important to remember that self-compassion rules here. It’s not going to be perfect, easy, or straightforward.

Goals and challenges take time to figure out and accomplish.

When we lay everything out on paper, we see it for exactly what it is. Our minds tend to circulate and compound our problems, making them feel impossible and never-ending. When we approach it systematically, we see if it’s something we can work toward and figure out.

And you don’t need all the answers today.

Doing the inner and outer work isn’t easy, but it’s how we break the chains.

Finding Your Happiness

Taking the first step toward your new beginning isn’t easy.

There are many areas that need your focus, but when you approach them systematically, you have a place to begin. Breaking the confining chains of divorce and finding happiness takes time, patience, and intentional effort.

But it’s worth it on all levels.

Looking back, I see my divorce was a gift. I learned to love and prioritize myself again; I found empowerment and developed much strength. When we do the inner work and focus on our growth, we find happiness within ourselves.

Everything feels and looks different — you’re no longer stuck.

And with a bit of time, you realize you’re going to be better than okay; you’re going to thrive.

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